July 24, 2008

5:14 p.m

I can’t believe in 1 week tomorrow I will be 20 years old. I mean wow. I have been on this earth for 20 years I wasn’t even suppose to live this long. Well shows how much the doctors know. LOL. I love proving the doctors wrong if they say I am not to do something then I want to do it. I guess all I love doing that all the time to anyone.

            Today nothing really interesting happened. I have been on a website called allpoetry.com and it’s just awesome. You can get your poems published and you can role play on there. I have been role playing wolves and vampires and now I made my own group for lions. I could really write a story about them if I tried. There is one were we are in a kingdom and I got kidnapped and had to escape. LOL. It’s really fun. I think I am spending more time on it then with Doug I’m going to try to stop that or at least cut back a little. I am in some pain my toe nail came off. It does that every summer. It hurts badly.

            I haven’t been doing my blogs lately because I wanted to get the Microsoft Word on my laptop then Doug broke my other laptop. So he bought me a new one that already had the Microsoft Word on it so I am happy for that. I like doing all my work on here because it can edit my work and I will spell check it for me. I honestly don’t know what I would do with out it. I have spent time without it and trust me I went crazy because I wasn’t able to type my feelings and everyone knows I don’t write them because there too personal and with my family nothing is safe. I mean I have tried having a diary or journal but they just kept reading them. I even tried with a lock but my brothers broke it and read it so I have learned to only express certain feelings and hide the others. I guess now I just don’t care. It’s not like I can get into trouble now for writing my true feelings. I am 20 now every one can’t tell me I’m in the wrong because I know what’s right and wrong. I mean if they don’t like it they can kiss my little mixed booty. LOL.

I miss my Doug. I can’t believe he got me a new laptop. I love him so much. He bought me a promise ring and it could literally be my engagement ring. I mean wow the diamond is huge. It’s white gold and a little to big for my fingers so I am going to have it resized. If I don’t I am going to put it on a chain that I will never take off ever. I love him. I do think he is spoiling me a little and can stop with that. It is not the money that brings me to him but his love. I don’t want to say anything because that’s just Doug he likes to give, give, give and never receives. I tried to give him something but he never takes.

I guess I should end this for now if I come up with anything else I will get back on and type more but I am pretty sure I am done for the day. I do hope this was a good blog and I hope you enjoyed reading it. I hope I can keep this up God knows I am not good at these things but I want to at least try now. Until next time take care and God bless. Much Love. Tay.

July 24, 2008

10:22 P.M.

Ok so I just did something that made my heart jump like 8 beats. LOL. I called Kasey (KC is how you pronounce it). See me and Kasey go way back to right before I moved. After I moved to Oklahoma though I kind of stopped calling him because I just got to busy and he had a girl friend and all. I called tonight because I was going through my songs and a song me and him use to sing together came on so I thought of him

He wasn’t home and I don’t know if he even remembers me. Damn I hate loosing touch with people because in the long run when I try to get back in touch so much has happened that it’s hard to even talk to them. On top of all that you literally have to make them remember you without creeping them out. I miss Kasey and our. Hehehehehe.

Now I got that song on repeat. His mom answered the phone. I don’t think he’ll call back tonight. I used my old name and hopefully he remembers the name. Knowing Kasey he probably won’t because he drinks and smokes almost every day. He was such a fun guy.

I miss Doug I think he feel asleep I called him soon after I called Kasey but he didn’t answer his phone. I am still in shock from calling Kasey it’s like oh my gosh I came this close to talking to himßà. LOL the arrows are how close I came to talking to him. I mean I haven’t heard from him in so long. I wonder if he still sounds the same. Why is it I am so eager to talk to everyone I haven’t talked to in so long like ODB (Old Dirty Basterd) and Gray (ohhhh Gray now there’s a hot voice…) hehehehehe I miss all the people I use to talk to one the donut. All the double OG’s for the donut.

I wish I could talk about all of them but there are too many to even mention. I haven’t even talked about the OG’s I use to talk to like my donut family. I had my mom LADY BG, my dadPremo, my grandma Nana, and my uncles Zig Zag and 211. Those are just a few of the people I use to talk to. I can’t remember them all. I miss them hella much.

Family Guy is on that means its 11 here. I am going to go watch it. Until next time take care and God bless. Much Love. Tay.

July 25, 2008

6:30 P.M.

So mom is coming how tonight with Alyssa. I really don’t know if I should be excited or not. Alyssa gets on my nerves with her attitude and laziness and so I kind of not like her. That and the fact she is riding my ass 24 7 seven days a week. The only time I get a brake is when she goes to her dad’s house in Washington. I am not ready for her to come back.

My mom says be nice but how the hell is I suppose to be nice when I have to deal with that… I mean come on people I am not ready for kids I don’t even like them half the time. Now my summer is going to be bad for the rest of the summer. I don’t have fun when I am around Alyssa I have responsibilities on looking after the biggest brat ever.

I am sorry I don’t mean to dis my own blood but I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true. I needed this summer break and they just robbed me of the rest of it. I hate this. Why does she have to come back so soon? Is there no justice.

I am not mean to her I try to be as sweet as I can because that’s how God wants me to be but it is hard when she is mean and I can’t be mean back because two wrongs don’t make a right. So let’s face it I’m fucked when it comes to being mean to her. I will be writing a lot more though now because she will make me mad or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if I came up with a few angry poems this year.

I am talking to Doug now trying to calm my nerve because that typing about Alyssa got to me. I miss him and I am trying to get him to come over. I so want him to come over. I am talking to him and he sounds so sexy. I just want to give him candy kisses everywhere. I really wanted him to come over but knowing how my mom will react its better if he just comes tomorrow or Sunday.

Right now I am just listening to some slow jams. I am in a frisky kind of mood. I think I will be starting my period soon because I have been having cramps all day and my craving for meat is high I hope mom got some beef jerky. I could really use some right now, that or a meat stick. Oh I Slim Jim sounds awesome.

This is the last day I talk to Blitz everyday. We started talking a week ago. He is now one of my brothers. The other day he told someone off for me on role playing. The person gets on my case in every group I am in. Then when I invited her to my group she started to get on my case and I told him and he was like “oh hell nah I’m going to hit her up” so they argued and what not for a good 10 minutes or so. We all get along now. Hehehehehe I love big brothers there so much better then my big sisters. That’s why I have so many and I have more to come. LOL.

I guess I should end this soon I will try to write before Alyssa gets here if not defiantly after. I am going to be so bummed she is back yet I guess I will be happy to because she is my little sister after all and I kind of miss her smart remarks. LOL. Then again someone rescue me and quickly I don’t want to be here. Were is my knight ‘n’ shining armor when I need him? LOL. Until next time take care and God bless. Love Much. Tay.

July 26, 2008

10:18 P.M.

Well Alyssa is home today and already she works my nerves. When I was sleeping the chick came in 8 times and woke me up. Then she found my stash of Gardetto’s and was bugging about it all day. It wasn’t a total lose though we got all blue dying her brat dolls hair. So now I am all blue and what not. I love being this kind of dirty I could pull off I was painting or something. It’s all on my leg and what not. LOVE IT!!!

            Doug has been kind of upset today. His job sucks. I wish I could help him some how. He’s having money trouble too. I only know of one thing but he goes against it… I won’t ask for another thing. I think that is a good idea but Doug says its not. Hehehehehe. I will try not to ask for much anymore as of this day. I have to get it myself not depend on Doug so much. Don’t get me wrong I love him spoiling me but I just don’t like seeing him like this. All stressed out over money and all. I wish I could work.

            I just got a porcine doll. It’s an angel. Mom brought it home from Washington for me. It’s so adorable. I wish they weren’t so scary to me then I would collect them. I never liked these kinds of dolls but then again I wish I had more of them. It’s that love/hate thing. LOL. I guess I like them because they are so beautiful but I hate them because they’re just so creepy. I like this Angel though she doesn’t look as scary as the other ones. I wonder if she’s really an angel to watch over me. God knows I have been having lots of troubles lately.

            Last night I wrote a poem I have yet to share it with anyone. It’s going in my poetry book I am going to start on my birthday. I have a journal I want to start on my birthday and it will take me a whole year just to fill it. I am as dedicated to it as I am to this. I think anyways. LOL. I hope I can stick this through I am going to try really hard to do it. I then want to bury the journal or mail it someone and let them read it. I will do the same to this when I am done with it. I don’t know exactly how long I want to do this one but it will be a long while. Maybe until 21 then give it to someone and have them keep passing the book.

            I am listening to music. I love listening to all kinds of music but my all time favorite is R&B. I feel so relaxed when I hear slow jams and it’s just so me. Everyone is like do you every listen to anything else. To be honest mostly no I do but only when I have no R&B around then I will listen to rap. I don’t see the point in rap so much any more because all they talk about is shooting some one and smacking a hoe. I mean come on there is way more to life then that.

            Alyssa has Gabby staying the night. I am so glade Alyssa has her room clean. I bet by next summer I will have to share a room with her again. I really hope not but knowing how lazy she can be anything can happen. If that is going to happen then I’m going to die on the real. I will shoot myself. Its bad enough I can’t stand living here with these people.

            Well I must go I have to write letters and go talk to Doug before he goes to bed. He likes to hear me before he sleeps. Oh I love that man he makes me feel so special. Until next time take care and God bless. Love Much. Tay.

July 27, 2008

4:51P.M.

Wow I am not having a good day. Alyssa and Gabby are getting on my nerves. I just want to hit them right about now. They think just because I let them in here last night it’s ok to come in here and bug the crap out of me right now. Man I hate this. I have a feeling I am going to start my period soon. I just feel so blah it’s not even funny. I want my Doug. I guess I will have to deal with it. I wonder what he is doing.

I would call him but I can’t do my journal at the same time. I have to do this then call and talk to him. We talk for hours and seeing that I have to share this with him when it is done I cant lead him on or type because I talk when I type. So I would give away the whole book.

I wish I could just escape for all the trouble in this family. Seems like with the years the drama got more and more into our lives. So much that we begin to hate each other for our own ways. It doesn’t make scenes I mean my family is just like the center of drama and when we try to brake away we end up loosing family members or friends in the process. What kind of family does that? Can some one please tell me because as far as I know my family is the only one?

Today I woke up in a bad mood and it is just not my day. I had a nightmare about Sidney and Doug that I won’t tell Doug just yet. If he asks I’m going to say I had a good dream and make something up. I do that most of the time when I have a bad dream I tell it to where it doesn’t sound as bad. I don’t know why Sidney came into it but I guess it has something to do with the fact that he could come here any day and see me. I kind of wish he would but then again I don’t want him too because if he does that I don’t know what would happen. I just want to see him but knowing how Sidney talks and all I might regret something that is not suppose to happen.

I just talked to Doug and I told him I have to do my journal entry then I will call him back. He didn’t want to get off. I feel kind of bad. I didn’t want to hang up but if I didn’t I won’t get this done. I am still texting him so it’s not a total lose. LOL. I love him. He makes me feel as if time itself has stopped for us. My heart goes crazy and my mind fills with so many thought not just sexual but like looking at the stars at night and a boat trip. Romantic thoughts like Romeo &Juliet romance. Hehehehehe. I guess that is what you get when you read as much as I do. I love to read as much as I love Doug they’re in the same basket.

I hope to have a big library with every book you could possibly think of. I love to read although I have to read some books twice because I don’t get that many. I first started liking it when I read the “Wild Flower” series by V.C. Andrews. I was 12 at the time and ever since then I read what ever I can get my hands on. That’s why my typing is so good. See this world everyone talks slang and it is very hard to write the right way. Although they do that in school but I have seen papers that don’t have the right spelling and all. I can talk slang write slang and type it too but I choose only to talk it when I can and never type or write it. It gives my brain a challenge. LOL.

Well I better go I have to role play for a few before I call Doug. I haven’t role played in 3 days. LOL. I love you Doug and will see you soon. Until next time take care and God bless. Love Much. Tay.